so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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