I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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