You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize