The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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