my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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