They should really pass out barf bags in church
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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