Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
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Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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