u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
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I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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