I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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