Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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