I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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