I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize