I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
True strength comes from lack of pants
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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