I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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