my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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