take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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