shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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