I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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