just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I woke up under a house in Key West
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