I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
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He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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