I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
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Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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