Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
soo... how was my night?
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