Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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