I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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