Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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