I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
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4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
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I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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