proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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Do I have a choice?
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I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize