he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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