I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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