my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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