I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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