I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
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Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
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I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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