his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize