Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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