I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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