I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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