HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
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