you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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