Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize