if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
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I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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