my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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