just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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