not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize