where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
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In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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