I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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