You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
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Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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