I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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