Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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