Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
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he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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