It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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